My New Year’s Resolutions

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Get better at pretending to have read books.

Investigate those healthy Cheetos to see if sham.

Learn a language or make a YouTube video of me speaking a bunch of languages perfectly.

Figure out if blockchain is Lego or what.

Start a birther conspiracy about Melania Trump.

Take care of that one asshole toenail.

See if they have super strong rock climbing gloves that grab the rock for you.

Learn to shuffle dance if it can be done slow.

See if you can take change to the machines at Safeway and get back Bitcoins. ← IF NOT, STARTUP

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Move out for six months while partner puts cat on diet.

Fix healthcare or start a movement called Don’tcare where people can opt out of worrying about it.

Call parents every Sunday, or a bunch on one Sunday early in the year to get some in the bank.

Tell more people I like the cut of your jib while appreciatively leering sideways.

Finally go to MoMA gift shop.

Write Greta Gerwig biography. (Need grant money and authorization.)

Rescue the republic.

Bring back tiddlywinks.

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Start the cloak/cape/poncho trend for hipsters, sell to Betabrand, decry on social media.

Get a dietary restriction.

Start What Not to Wear podcast about little dogs in truly regrettable sweaters.

Write the novel but entirely with emojis! ← GENIUS

Patent leather shoes.

Written by

Former WSJ reporter and syndicated columnist working in the blogosphere. Once sold books to Johnny Cash. My Medium post about that was praised by Paris Review.

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